Ese koko kubaka urugo ni wo muti nyawo w’irari ry’imibonano mpuzabitsina?

Kenshi na kenshi iyo uganiriye n’abasore n’inkumi wumva bamwe muri bo bagira ipfunwe ry’uko bakora imibonano mpuzabitsina batarashinga urugo, ndetse ugasanga akenshi ab’igitsina gore bo babigira ibanga rikomeye ngo hato batazavaho bitesha agaciro.

Ku rundi ruhande ariko usanga abasore batarashinga urugo bo kuvuga ko bakoze imibonano mpuzabitsina aba ari ishema. Iyo uganiriye n’ibitsina byombi ntibatinya kuvuga akabari ku mutima ku bijyanye no gushira ifemba ry’imibonano mpuzabitsina igihe baba baramutse babonye abo bashingana urugo byemewe n’amategeko ndetse na Kiliziya.

Umukobwa ubonye mugenzi we agize umusore umubwira ijambo ryiza rimwambika agatimba ashengurwa n’intimba ati, “ naba nawe aragikemuye ntazongera gukora bubyizi”, ariko agakubita agatoki ku kandi ati nanjye kizakemuka. Umusore nawe ati nimara kuzana uwanjye sinzongera kujarajara. Ariko se koko ibi byifuzo by’impande zombi ku bijyanye n’uko kubaka urugo byaba ari urukingo rw’irari ry’imibonano mpuzabitsina ryibasira abatararushinga byaba aribyo?

Niba aribyo se kuki twumva abagabo baca inyuma abagore babo cyangwa se tukumva ngo mukarunaka akata kwa runaka utari umugabo we cyangwa ukumva umugabo runaka avuga ati ngiye kureba utunyogwe cyangwa umugore nawe akareba akana k’agasore kamurangiriza ibibazo? Aha rero tugiye kuva imuzi bimwe mu byo abashakanye bagomba kwirinda mu rwego rwo gutuma umushyikirano wabo mu buriri ubabera umugisha aho kubabera umuvumo bityo binakumbuze abatarashaka.

Ubusanzwe ibyiyumvo n’imvamutima emwe n’ibizongamubiri by’umugabo n’umugore bigenda bitandukana. Uku gutandukana kugira ingaruka ku mishyikirano y’abashakanye. Kenshi ushobora gusanga umugabo akunda imibonano mpuzabitsina ku buryo we aba yumva ko yanayikora buri saha mu gihe umugore we ashobora kuba adakunda imibonano mpuzabitsina ku buryo kuri bamwe bumva bibahagije  kuyikora rimwe mu byumweru bibiri cyangwa rimwe mu kwezi.

Ku rundi ruhande hari abagore nabo bagira ubushyuhe cyane ku buryo baba bumva bakora imibonano mpuzabitsina inshuro nyinshi bishoboka mu gihe bashobora kuba bafite abagabo bakonje mbese  badashishikazwa n’iki gikorwa cyane. Aha rero ni ruba ruzingiye kuko umwe mu bashakanye atabyitonzemo ashobora gusenya.

Umuhanga umwe witwa Friedrich Nietzsche, yaravuze ati, “ Abagore bakorana imibonano mpuzabitsina n’abagabo bashaka gukundwa, mu gihe abagabo bo bakunda abagore kugira ngo bemererwe imibonano mpuzabitsina.”

Nubwo bimeze gutya ariko ntibibuza ko havuka ibibazo mu buriri biturutse ku mpande zombi. Usanga akenshi na kenshi abagabo aribo bagira ubushake n’ubushyuhe bwo kwibona muri iki gikorwa cyane kurusha abagore kubera imisemburo y’ubugabo bwabo myinshi. Gusa ariko ntitwirengagije ko hari n’abagabo badakunda iki gikorwa cyo guhuza urugwiro bitewe n’imiterere yabo, akazi, imihangayiko yo gushakishwa ubuzima n’izindi mpamvu zitewe n’uko baba bafatwa n’abo bashakanye.

Ku bagabo bagira ubushyuhe cyane, ni byiza ko bagomba mbere na mbere kwiyumvisha imihindagurikire iba mu mubiri w’umugore maze bakabasha kwihanganira bagenzi babo banabaguyaguya babagusha neza kugira ngo bibone muri uyu mwanya mwiza wo gushyigikira umuryango. Abagore akenshi usanga biba ngombwa ko babana n’abagabo babo baganira ndetse bakanagirana umushyikirano wimbitse kugira ngo bumve babifuje cyane.

Aha rero abaganga b’ibijyanye n’imikorere y’ibitsina bakaba bemeza ko igihe hari umushyikirano ntamakemwa hagati y’abashakanye ndetse hari n’urukundo nta kabuza bahuza urugwiro bigatinda ndetse ku buryo bashobora gukora imibonano mpuzabitsina byibuze kabiri mu cyumweru.

Gusa ariko nk’uko bikunze kugaragara mu ngo z’iki gihe, biragoye cyane ko izi nshuro zigerwaho kubera impamvu zitandukanye zirimo gushakisha imitungo n’ibyubaka urugo, gukora imirimo izanira urugo inyungu, kwita ku bana ndetse  n’imiti imwe n’imwe yo kuringaniza urubyaro ishobora kugira ingaruka ku bijyanye no kwishimira imibonano mpuzabitsina ku ruhande rw’abagore. Ikindi cyiyongeraho ni umunabi ndetse n’uburakari bukunze kuranga abagore bamwe na bamwe bishobora kubagiraho ingaruka ku buryo n’ibyiyumvo byabo ku bijyanye n’imibonano mpuzabitsina bikaba byahagarara.

Ku ruhande rw’umugabo nawe ashobora kuzongwa n’ibibazo by’urugo bimugora bikanamubangamira mu micungire y’urugo no gufata ibyemezo. Aha rero bihumira ku mirari iyo afite umugore ushaka ko agendera ku byifuzo bye bityo bikamutera umutima mubi wo kumva atamwifuje ndetse hakaba hanavamo kumuhurwa. Ni byiza ko abagore bivanamo imyumvire y’aba kera ivuga ko ngo umugabo ari umwana w’undi ko agomba guhozwaho ijisho maze agafatwa neza, akubahwa dore ko burya ibyo umugore yabimokoreye nta kindi kiba gisigaye kitari ukumurundaho urukundo maze gahunda zikagenda neza cyane.

Gusa na babagore bagira ubushake bw’imibonano mpuzabitsina kugeza ubwo bishyize abagabo ku nkeke, bakwiye kumva ko umugabo nawe abikora yashimye kandi adahangayitse. Ku bw’ibyo bagomba kureka ya myumvire ishaje ivuga ko ngo igitsina cy’umugabo gihora kiri tayari isaha n’isaha kuko nawe akenera kumva atuje kandi adafite ibimubangamiye mu mitegurire y’icyo gikorwa.

Imicungire y’amafaranga nayo iri mu bitera akavuyo mu ngo z’abashakanye noneho byagera ku madeni aba agomba kwishyurwa bigahumira ku mirari. Kenshi usanga umugabo atagira agatege ko gutera akabariro mu gihe ahangayitse cyane. Ibi rero bishobora kuba intandaro yo gusenyuka k’umuryango aho umugore ashobora guca inyuma umugabo we ngo akunde ashakishe uburyo yakwirwanirira ngo akemure ikibazo.

Mu bubatse burya umwana ni umugisha. Gusa iyo abashakanye bari basanzwe badashyira ingufu mu kuryoshya kwabo birabagora cyane kugira ngo bongere gutera akabariro. Kenshi usanga abagore benshi urukundo rwabo barusuka ku bana maze abagabo babo bagacuka. Usanga akenshi n’iyo umugabo agize icyo abaza umugore aramushwishuriza akamubwira ko ari guha umwana ibere cyangwa ko atameze neza nyamare ari ukumwikiza. Ni byo koko umwana aba agomba kwitabwaho, ariko na none igihe umugore adacunze neza ntiyite ku mugabo we, biba byoroshye cyane ko abandi bashobora kumumwitiraho bityo akamubura amureba.

Kutamenya guhuza ibitsina, kutamenya ibishimisha mugenzi wawe muri iki gikorwa, ubujiji ndetse n’imiziro imwe n’imwe ishingiye ku gitsina bigira ingaruka ku mibonano mpuzabitsina hagati y’abashakanye. Gusa ubu abantu bagenda bajijuka gahoro gahoro ku buryo hari bimwe bigenda bicika nubwo ibibazo bishingiye ku mibonano mpuzabitsina bigenda byiyongera umunsi ku wundi.

Ibi bikaba biterwa n’uko muri iki gihe abasore n’inkumi bajya gushaka barabanje kugacishaho. Usanga akenshi iyo uwakinnye cyane ahuye n’udafite akamenyero mu kibuga akamubihiriza biba imbarutso yo kutamwubakiraho maze ugasanga aka ya mvugo yadutse vuba aha y’uko abashakanye iyo bacanye inyuma ngo baba bagiye kurya muri Resitora.

Nyamara birakwiye ko ufite icyo azi yakagombye kurenga isoni dore ko ngo burya zirisha uburozi maze akagira icyo yigisha mugenzi mu rwego rwo gukomeza urugo rwabo. Muri iki gihe turimo kandi ntibikwiye ko umugabo aca umugore we inyuma amuziza kutamuryohereza kandi afite igihe gihagije cyo kumwunganira amubwira ibimugwa ku mutima ndetse akanamwigisha.

Mu rwego rwo gutagatifuza iki gikorwa, dore ibyo abashakanye bakwiye kwitaho aho guhora baryana cyane cyane ko iyi ngingo ariyo nkingi ya mwamba y’umubano wabo.  Ni byiza ko abashakanye bajya bahora baganira, batera urwenya kugira ngo igihe bamarana bishimanye , baseka cyiyongere maze binategure igikorwa nyamukuru. Mugabo, umugore wawe niyo nshuti y’inkoramutima ya mbere ugomba kugira nk’uko nawe mugore, umugabo wawe ariwe nshuti nyanshuti magara ufite. Aha rero ntimugomba guhishanya amabanga kuko burya icyo uhisha uwo mwashakanye bishyira kera bikamenyekana. Ni byiza ko igihe mwazamuye akaboko mugira muti turemeranye mu bibi n’ibyiza mutakagombye gukwepana.

Abashakanye bakwiye guhora biga kunoza umubano wabo kabone nubwo haba hari ibyo batumvikanaho.  Ni byiza ko haboneka uharira undi kandi ntibibangamire inyungu z’urugo cyangwa se ngo bigire uwo bikomeretsa. Aha usanga akenshi bishoborwa na bake kuko buri wese aba ashaka kwihagararaho no gukurura yishyira aribyo akari cyera  bibyara intonganya ndetse n’ihohoterwa iyo hatagize ushyira mu gaciro ngo acishe bugufi. Ibi kandi byo guhora bahanganye bituma ubwuzu n’urugwiro umwe yakagiriye undi bigenda biyoyoka maze byagera mu buriri bigahinduka umwaku aho umwe atera undi umugongo. Iherezo akenshi ni ugusenya.

Ni byiza na none ko abashakanye babagarira urukundo rwabo babicishije mu kiganiro cyimbitse. Aha si ukuganira bisanzwe by’imvura iragwa, ahubwo n’ukuganira gushingiye ku gusesengura ukamenya mugenzi wawe by’ukuri, ukamenya ibyo yanga, ibyo akunda, uko wamwitaho, uko akubona, uko wamwitwaraho ndetse yemwe ukanamenya n’imihindukire ye n’uburyo ushobora kubyitwaramo hatabaye amakimbirane akabije. Ibi rero iyo abashakanye bombi babashije kumenya uko babyitwaramo barubaka, bakagira umunezero, bagatunga bagatunganirwa kuko baba bumva ibintu kimwe ndetse yemwe n’imibonano mpuzabitsina yabo ntigire ikiyihungabanya.

Hamwe n’urukundo, abashakanye bagomba kwemerana. Aha umugabo akemera umugore we uko ari ndetse n’umugabo akemera uko mugenzi we ari. Ibi imiryango imwe n’imwe ntibasha kubigeraho kubera ko kenshi usanga abagore cyane cyane bashaka guhindura abagabo babo uko babyifuza. Ni byiza ko yaba hagati y’umugabo n’umugore ntawe ugomba kumva ko agomba guhindura mugenzi 100% nkawe.

Nk’uko abemera Imana babisoma muri Bibiliya, umwe mu bashakanye agomba kwirinda kubera mugenzi we umutwaro cyane yirinda ibikorwa byo gusesagura, gusuzugura cyangwa gusuzuguza uwo mwashakanye, kumufata nabi, kumunegura, kumufata uko ubyishakiye dore ko ngo burya icyo wifuza ko utakorerwa ntukagikorere mugenzi wawe. Kuri ibi byose hiyongeraho kubabarirana hagati y’abashakanye kuko burya kugwa mu makosa ntawabyirinda gusa kuyagumamo nicyo kibazo. Ibi byose hamwe no gusanga, kwicisha bugufi ndetse no gushyira mu gaciro nibyo byubaka urugo.

Nsoza ndagira ngo aho kugira ngo wowe wubatse uhora wumva udashishikajwe n’imibonano mpuzabitsina ndetse ukumva ko igihe mugenzi wawe agusabye ko muyikorana  aba abiguhatiye cyangwa se agushyizeho akavuyo , subiza agatima impembero ugarukire uwo ukunda umurinde kubabara no gukora icyaha cyo kwifuza.

Wowe ukunda kwikorera iki gikorwa bityo uwo mwashakanye yagutera umugongo ukumva ko hari uburenganzira wimwe, muganirize umenye ikibimutera  munoze umubano wanyu nta kabuza ibibazo byinshi bishingiye kuri iyi ngingo bizakemuka. Erega n’ibyanditswe byera biha umugisha imibonano mpuzabitsina hagati y’abashakanye nk’uko Pawulo abibwira abashakanye ko nta mpamvu yo kwiyimana kugeza ubwo umwe muri bo atangira ingeso mbi zo kwifuza arizo zisenya umuryango.

Nubwo gushaka ari bumwe mu buryo bwo gushira ipfa n’umururumba w’imibonano mpuzabitsina, ntibikwiye guhubukirwa nk’uko bamwe babigenza kugira ngo bahindure irangamimerere ryabo ariko bitabarimo namba. Birakwiye na none ko imibonano mpuzabitsina y’abashakanye ijyana gutekereza kubikomeza urugo hitabwa ku iterambere ryarwo mu mibereho myiza, ubukungu, guteganiriza ejo hazaza, kurera abana ndetse no kubana neza n’imiryango n’ababazengurutse muri sosiyete.  Tubikesha UMUGANGA

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